Friday, July 28, 2006

The John Travolta diet

Print this photo and look at it anytime you feel hungry...



"John Travolta takes a bite between takes of the skinny-dipping scene from his film Wild Hogs, shooting in New Mexico." Via US Magazine

Thursday, June 15, 2006

toatly found this on ebaums world

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

true story....

the other day at breakfast my little brother came up to me and said "guess what guess what" so i say "what?" and he says "yesterday in CCD (religios education classes) i learned to golden rule!" so i am like "ok so whats the golden rule then?" and he says...

"god wants you to always give the first part of your pay check to the catholic church!"

LIKE MONKEYS

The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought that odd since they were normally a couple
thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in
the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let
one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In
fact, none of them were really bright. They kept
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then
they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very
well to their new environment. They would screech,
hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and
slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third
hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were
so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason.
They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys
lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser,
hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work.
It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199
dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed
animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they
began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the
toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was
embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing
them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two
monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30
seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was
flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two
dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer. and 197 dead,
charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't
improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my
monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one
of my monkeys. It felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said
that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred
primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't
take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as
Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to
say. They pretended that they liked them but I could
tell they were lying. Ingrates! So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Priest Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

because it was stapled to the chicken ))))))))))))))))))